Have you ever heard that darkness doesn't like couples who are in union? What I mean here is that darkness is, clearly, "darkness", and always tries to find ways to separate two people who want to be together. Maybe I'm just overthinking, but I felt that power. The power that wants to destroy my good relationship with J. To the point that I decided to do counseling with a psychologist because honestly I almost couldn't face reality, while deep down in my heart, I didn't want to break up with J in such a way.
J felt the same way. Until now we still wonder what big thing actually separated us both that night? Although in the end, we both tried hard to restore the situation to what it was before and certainly now we have made up and communicated as usual, my regret is still so great.
Why didn't I treat him better? Why did I have to provoke him like that? Was it just because we were tired after the flight from Medan, then transit in Malaysia, back to Bali, and ended up separating in Bali, making us stressed and no one wanted to give in?
A few days ago J said:
"Yes, sometimes I think about what it was, what exactly happened on the evening we parted. What I may have provoked in you. And to what extent the cause was mine or yours. A small puzzle that I am faced with and that still needs to be solved. Everyone looks within themselves first. But it seems that it was not so fatal after all, which would now prevent us from doing everything we are doing. ;-)"
What makes me relieved is that once again we actually understand each other, miss each other, and want each other. Nothing could be more beautiful than that.
After thinking about it deeply at the time, yesterday's separation was indeed the best way for J and me. In my opinion, we spent too much time together at the beginning of our meeting, we were together for almost a month. Because of that, we probably had almost no time to fully explore ourselves because every moment we exchanged energy, both good and bad times to times. J could always feel the bad energy emanating from me and it was an alarm for me to heal myself first before meeting him again.
Another classic reason, December in Indonesia is filled with unpredictable weather and it rains more often. Even in Medan, we witnessed a big flood that flooded people's houses from the train we were riding. When we arrived in Bali, the night after J and I separated, it also rained heavily and continued throughout the night and the next morning. It was very uncomfortable to explore Bali as we had planned before. Or, maybe we were both really exhausted. A vacation that is too long is also not good, in my opinion, a good way.
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| We made countless memories here, both good and bad. This is the place where we parted. |
However, and undeniably, J is the first man in my life who has made a great effort for me. Again, sometimes when problems start to arise between us, I feel there is a great power that wants to destroy my good relationship with J. Believe it or not, this is very disturbing and makes me sad. As if I can't do anything to prevent that bad thing from happening. Yes, a month might be too long for a start. 2 weeks might be the ideal time for us to be together. Because we are happy when we are together and have the best times when we can talk to each other.
M, our friend from yoga class said this was the best decision to let go of J and let him think about both of us when he returned to Germany. I still need to tell J what my dream is and the future dream for both of us. And let the universe arrange it. J and I agree on this.
December 1, 2024, was a tough day for me. I let J go back to his country but I couldn't say goodbye properly, in a good and proper way, and could only send him prayers from a distance. I even went to the international airport and saw his flight schedule, but it was too late because J had already boarded. Even though his flight was delayed for 2 hours, I still couldn't meet him.
Back in the day when we were together, I remembered when J explained the condition of his house through pictures in his little book in great detail and for a very long time explanation. He wanted to do some renovations and changes before I came to Germany. But first, he needed motivation why he had to do it. I really wanted to tell him, I want to be his motivation, but I haven't had the chance to tell him that.
Upon arriving in Germany, he then sent me a short video of the Elbe River and I was relieved that J had finally returned to the home he longed for, which he had said several times, he wanted to do something in his house when we were together. This makes me think that J missed his usual busyness and for a while, we sometimes didn't do any activities at all on our vacation, so it seemed to bore him.
After I realized the root of the problem was myself. I didn't appreciate his sacrifice, his struggle, and his effort. J traveled so far for me, trying to give me happiness, but I messed it up in the blink of an eye. I hope I can make up for my mistake and make him happy and feel needed.
And on top of that, I used to have a dream, that my life partner would be someone who had the same interests as me, for example gardening, or liking things like planting. I also dreamed of someone with a natural talent related to wood. The more I got to know J, the more surprised I was because he met all the criteria I had longed for all my life. Everything J had said in our emails was a deep discussion about life and it left a meaningful impression on me.
Throughout my life, I have never found a figure who is so sensitive about me. J was able to interpret my anxiety so accurately and appropriately. J could feel what I was really feeling. J caught my anxiety, he could read what I couldn't read, and he understood me. He, with all his presence, made my life colorful. It's not always bright, sometimes there's gray too, but green and blue are how I see J.
How long have I been waiting for something like this to come to me? It feels like thousands of years. And when it all materialized and became real, it was as if I was welcoming the presence of an angel. The universe gave everything in one complete package. I offer my gratitude to the universe with all my heart and soul. That I am very grateful. Thank you, Universe.
See you soon, J!
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